Boundaries have become an increasingly integral and crucial component in my world. Over the past few years, I’ve been fortunate to engage in incredibly enlightening conversations on the subject and run across a multitude of insightful, faith-based resources addressing the topic.
How can boundaries be utilized well in our day-to-day? We may be knowingly or unknowingly incorporating these guardrails throughout our lives through everyday actions such as time management, health decisions, screen time, our work/life balance, extracurricular activities, and so on. When I stop to think about it, I’ve had a number of boundaries around my life from the onset.
Growing up, I was provided with a number of safeguards to caution me on how to protect myself and my physical safety. From crossing the street as a young person with a trusted adult, to evaluating my surroundings on campus as a college student, these issues were brought to my attention in an age-appropriate fashion as a I matured through the earlier portion of life.
What was a little less clear, and perhaps even blurry, was the topic of relational boundaries. In recent years, I have explored how boundaries are necessary to safeguard my physical, mental, and emotional well-being. However, strengthening my use of boundaries has been a work-in-progress.
Why, you may ask? I recognize this comes easier for some of us than others based on our nature and nurture, or even people-pleasing tendencies. I used to fall into the trap of thinking that if I wanted to be a “good Christian girl,” I needed to forgive and forget as quickly as possible.
I still believe the forgiveness component remains true, as Jesus himself instructed forgiveness as part of our role as believers. However, if a relationship starts to become less than healthy and patterns of behavior persist that do not align with my values or core safety principals, I am not commanded to simply forget and move on. Sometimes, the ongoing behavior is an indicator light on the dashboard of interpersonal health.
When a situation or relationship in my life starts to present persistent signs of what I have deemed as red flags, I now believe I have the tools, resources, and Biblical validation to create loving, but firm boundaries – not as a punitive measure, but a protective one. Not everyone will like these boundaries, but I’ve learned pushback is often an indication they are necessary.
If you are seeking more information and a thorough resource, Lysa TerKeurst’s new book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes,” describes Biblical boundaries in thoughtful detail. TerKeurst walks the reader through her own journey of setting boundaries, and offers scriptural references throughout.
Friends, it is not our job to make everyone else around us happy – or happy with our boundaries – because happiness is our own work to do. That said, I do my best to show up as the best version of myself each day and not be a stumbling block to others. Sometimes, I feel I’ve done an adequate job, and other days I know I’ve got much to learn. I recognize bringing my best to the table will be a lifelong process, and I’ll never have it all figured out on this side of eternity.
But, operating out of a spirit of “keeping the peace at all costs” can be expensive to our souls. And, ultimately, we want to bring our best selves forward each day so we can really show up well and be the best representation possible for our faith as we endeavor to be the salt and light described in Matthew 5:13-16.
This means, though, sometimes hard conversations need to be had. Sometimes, mentors and counselors need to be brought in to offer wisdom on difficult relational circumstances. And, sometimes, boundaries need to be created – and maintained.
Y,all – this.is.not.always.easy. But, I have seen in my own life that when I’ve set a boundary that aligns with my faith values and my own internal dashboard, I’ve found God’s peace in the process. I’ve had peace when others were upset with me. I’ve had peace when I was misunderstood. But, still, I’ve had peace.
And, as a caring word of caution, a knee-jerk reaction to boundaries can be really damaging to relationships. The goal is not to distance ourselves from someone in our lives over a one-time offense, like someone showing up late to lunch or a tossing out a careless comment that is not indicative of the person’s overall character over time. Our grace as believers is much bigger than this!
If you would like more guidance to help unpack this concept, Dr. Henry Cloud has some great resources that help define boundaries in terms of problems verses patterns. Boundaries can help us evaluate relationship patterns – I’ve even heard it described as how our bodies and nervous systems react in some relationships – to determine how we need to safeguard our hearts and minds each day.
It is my prayer we move into 2023 seeking Jesus’ will for our lives and incorporate the Biblically-based boundaries that accompany this mission, and proceed with as much grace as possible. I pray He will guide us through our words and actions. I pray we will strengthen ourselves and our relationships so we can show up most effectively as the salt and light of the world.
*This blog shares some of my own personal experiences and research. However, I am not a licensed counselor, and the information shared is not to be taken as professional guidance. I highly recommend Christian-based counseling as an avenue for determining appropriate boundaries in relationships.
Rooted in Grace and Grit 